Alli, is this stuff crappy? Literally

By Joshua Johnson, 08/01/2007

I am not too young to remember a time when if someone wanted to loose weight they did so through hard work, some support and a lot of exercise. Sure, there were Weight Watcher groups and the infamous Grapefruit Diet, but people still managed their weight thru common terms of a low calorie diet and an increase in their exercise routine. For the most part, people did not take a pill to melt away the pounds. I am sure there was a small faction of participants that used some sort of medication, but I assure you those people did not have a perpetual fear of pooping in their pants at any moment.

Enter the new diet pill ‘alli’, now available over-the-counter to anyone interested in losing weight, and constantly having to change their underwear. In case you did not catch that, anyone taking the pill ‘alli’ does so knowing at any moment they could have, and I quote, “gas with oily spotting” as well as “more frequent stools that may be hard to control”. Does that not just sound wonderful? For all those of you who are battling the fight against heftiness, you can now involuntarily make a stinky in your pants, or even better than that, you could pass vile smelling gas, which then leaves an oily, yellowish stain in the seat of your pants for all your friends and family to see.

I guess I just don’t get the allure of taking this pill. It is not the cheapest thing in the world and if you do decide to take it you are urged to “wear dark pants or bring a change of clothes to work until [you] get used to the pill’s potential side effects”. That does not sound fun to me. Not to mention the fact that in order for this drug to work the takers of it must limit their caloric intake, fatty food consumption- all while increasing their exercise regimen. So what is the point of taking this pill? Wouldn’t someone who does this loose weight anyways, plus they are not going to constantly fear of “alli-ing” on themselves.

Now the makers of this wonder pill, GlaxoSmithKline, want the public to believe that taking this pill will benefit them even more than the diet and exercise alone. I say, wouldn’t it be better to save the money you would spend on buying alli, and put it towards something that doesn’t make you crap your shorts? I mean I am no doctor, but isn’t it common knowledge that if I were to reduce the amount of food I eat, and make sure what I do eat is healthy, I am sure to loose some weight? Now if I also include exercise into this plan, aren’t I certain to loose even more weight? You know what is the best part of this plan, the traditional plan? At no point during this would I would I have to wear adult diapers.

I guess I am still unclear as to why I need to take a pill that will make me poo on myself? As if trying to loose weight isn’t hard enough, and their isn’t enough ridicule and self-depravation associated with being overweight, if I joined the alli Club I would then be that guy- the overweight guy that smells like poo-poo and has an oddly yellowish stain on the seat of his pants. No thanks!s

You know it is only a matter of time before a new poop, I mean pop saying comes out of this current fad? Soon people will be referring to someone as “pulling an alli” or “they just alli-ed”. For when someone poops on themselves or goes to pass gas but releases a little brown matter into their drawers, they will have “alli-ed”. If you have ever seen the movie What About Polly, you are familiar with the phrase “sharting”. The act of trying to pass gas but accidentally pooping in your pants at the same time. I am sure that if the alli pill had come out before this movie was made the line would be “alli-ing” instead.

Another aspect of this pill that struck a cord with me was a phrase about the timing of commencement with the pill. In particular: “…pick a day to begin taking alli, such as a weekend day so you can stay close to home if you experience a treatment effect”. A “treatment effect”! Is that their clever way of masking the definite possibility of dookieing on one’s self? So when the takers of this pill have the misfortunate case of an involuntary bowl movement coinciding with some gas with an oily discharge, they can calm everyone down by simply exclaiming, “it is okay everyone, I am alright I just had a treatment effect” No thanks!

It is also clear to me that GlaxoSmithKline is encouraging the takers of their drug to become reclusive in their efforts to loose weight. You have to love that, I guess they figure the people who do take this drug will exercise in their homes? Where else will they go if they are fearful of shoo-shooing in their pants? Actually, that makes the most sense; after all, if I am certain to doo-doo in my pants, while jogging on a treadmill, I definitely want it to be in the privacy and safety of my own home. A place where I am safe to alli on myself and the treadmill. Then I only have to explain to my wife as to why I am cleaning the treadmill with bleach.

In fact, I think I am starting to redefine my stance on this drug. It might actually prove to be the boost to our economy that everyone has been steadily looking for. Follow me with this for a second.

If more and more people start to take alli, then there will be a greater need for things associated with the side-effects. Clothing sales will skyrocket, in particular the sale of shorts, pants and underwear. We could also expect to see an incline in the sale of such things as laundry detergents, fabric softeners, bleach and paper towels; where by also decreasing the unemployment rate, because we would need to employ all those factories that make these products. Next, keep in mind the number of people that commute to work everyday, and of these people the number of them that are potential takers of alli. We can then assume the number of new car sales will increase by the number of takers of this pill. After all, I don’t know about you but I am NOT riding in a car, or letting anyone else ride in a car, that has been alli-ed in!

This is just the tip of the iceberg, the list could go on and on. It would not be long before our economy would be on the rise and we could all thank the makers of alli.

• Excuse me sir - where are your nuts?